How to Move on When You Simply Can’t Agree

Jeff Havens
Contributing Writer
The Jeff Havens Company

Recently my wife and I got into an argument about something. It’s the same something we have occasionally argued about for just about as long as we have been together, and it ended the same way it always does – both of us frustrated, no progress made. It’s as though we periodically say, “Things are really going great! Too great, in fact. I wonder what we could do to screw that all up?” I’m guessing you’ve been here too before. Ours is a dumb species.

Anyway, I’m sick of having the same argument with my wife without seeing any improvement, so I’ve been thinking a lot about how to break the cycle. I think it’s safe to say that she and I are never going to agree on the thing we keep arguing about, and that sometimes happens with work colleagues as well. So if you’re stuck in an endless cycle of disagreement with someone who is never going to see things your way, here’s what ultimately needs to happen:

Stop Expecting To Agree

This is much different than ‘agree to disagree,’ because that generally means, “I’m going to let this go for now, but you’re still wrong, and eventually I’ll get you to see things my way.” You actually have to get to a point where you don’t care if the person you’re arguing with understands where you’re coming from, or why, and you also have to be able to accept that you might not understand why they think the way that they do. This is why couples tend to argue a LOT just before the end of their relationship, because they’re trying to force the other person to see things from their point of view, and sometimes that simply isn’t going to happen. Obviously, this can lead to the end of a relationship, personal or professional, but it doesn’t have to. Because you can always…

Let Go Of Your Anger

This one sounds all but impossible, but it’s actually not as hard as the first step. Once you’ve accepted that agreement isn’t a requirement, it’s a lot easier to stop being angry that the other person doesn’t agree with you. In fact, this one almost takes care of itself at this point – unless you choose to hold a grudge and remain bitter, which I have certainly done myself at times. But eventually I get tired of being angry. I’m not good at holding onto it for forever, which is probably why I’m not a prizefighter (that and a nearly total lack of skill). Odds are your anger will burn itself out eventually, unless you have nothing better to do than stay mad all the time. If that’s the case, I suggest you get yourself a hobby.

Focus on results, not process

This is something we are generally not great at. Most of us not only want a certain thing to happen, but we want that thing to happen in a certain way. But does that really matter as long as the thing itself gets done? If you’re in a yes/no situation, where both sides want completely incompatible things, then your lack of agreement will probably lead to an end to the relationship. But if you’re able to focus on a shared mutual goal – growing your business, keeping your marriage healthy, whatever – then it is possible to work together even when you don’t think the other side is working in the right way.

I’m very confident that this approach works. It has for other arguments I’ve had with other people, although I don’t think at the time I realized exactly what I was doing. And now, for the first time in years I’m optimistic that my wife and I are about to see some positive movement on this thing we’ve been arguing about since our fourth or fifth date. Now all I have to do is bring the subject up again so that we can begin to argue again so that I can put this plan into action. I would love to skip the ‘so we can begin to argue again’ part, but I’m not sure that’s avoidable.

Oh well. I didn’t have any other plans tonight, so let’s see what happens!

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